I have been itching to do some writing and I know it is a coping tool that I prescribe to so many of my clients and here I am. Biting my cheek, hoping the thoughts flow out with ease because people will read this. Chasing the feeling of inspiration and why on some days do I feel like its in my back pocket and on others its 10 miles down the road and I have to sprint to get it, if I want it.
Why does life feel like we are constantly chasing the next feeling and why is it so hard to just be present in the feeling, in the uncomfortable or even, yes, the comfortable. Sometimes, comfortable isn’t enough, we want more. More happiness, more bliss, more euphoria and detachment from the realness of the world.
This when I really miss smoking weed. Why did I make the commitment to myself to get sober and work through my own shit!?
Lighting up or grabbing a pen was so easy to do at the end of the day. I knew what to expect and I knew relief was right around the corner. Where is the relief to match that now? Will I be sober the rest of my life? Oh man, I want to cry just thinking about never feeling that again. So here I am, reminding myself to be present. To take the emotions moment by moment. To ride the wave…..
What I have learned in my sobriety is that I can get a dopamine (the feel good ) dump by just thinking about lighting up and thinking about the relief my brain and body will get. Riding the wave of the craving. Sometimes in my wave it feels so close I can almost taste it, and then…grief…
Grief was why I started smoking pot. My mothers death. Detachment and fantasy drifted me away from the ick. Why does nobody talk about how hard it is to move through the ick when you get sober? That it’s important to get to the root of our behaviors if we want to change them. What we learned in grad school from the famous John Klem- “Think new thoughts and do new shit”- that’s the key to change. Well of course we have to throw in some emotional processing and motivation for change as well. Seems simple, right?
After consulting with Emily, a fellow therapist here at Creative Healing. She reminded me of the 6th layer of grief and that is “meaning.” In our discussion I found my body begin to be flooded with emotion because sobriety can be one hell of an emotional experience. Processing the trauma and adversity that is beneath the root of the craving. I found meaning in my mothers death and in her life. In short, I found understanding and processing the reality of our relationship and how I became to be, me. Her life and death brought me to becoming a therapist. Yet it was her illness, my relationship with her and how it haunted me in so many of my outer world interactions that drove me to needing relief.
Sobriety forces you to look your triggers dead in the eye and try your hardest to prove everything they make you feel about yourself to be wrong. Sobriety breeds internal resilience. Every time I ride that craving wave I come out on the other side feeling stronger, more grounded and closer to my ideal sense of self. It. Is. Not. Easy.
So where do I find meaning in the grief of sobriety?
In my daughter. In my life. In my death. As we all know, death comes for us all at some point and the years begin to feel like days the older we get. I have no idea when I will expire but I hope to make my time here count. Smoking got me through some difficult times, it eased the pain, the discomfort and dysregulation in my body. Smoking gave me a false sense of connection and It also brought me anxiety, panic and negative thoughts about myself. What I was not aware of was that my root was still raw, the root had not been processed with a clear mind and it began bleeding through to my daily life…So, I went to therapy. I became a therapist and a hell of of lot of steps, new thoughts and new behaviors later.
My sobriety gave me my daughter, I quit one month before we found out we were pregnant with her. My sobriety has provided her with 6 months of breastfeeding and a solid nutritional foundation to her life. My sobriety has forced me to be present with her and to feel all the highs and lows of motherhood. It. Has. Not. Been. Easy. But her life, her experiences with her family is what she knows, right now, it’s all she knows. She deserves the best of me and the best shot at childhood.
I still struggle with feeling like I deserve good things in my life, which seems silly. But I have to remind myself that I deserve a fair shot at motherhood, a fair shot at a solid foundation with my child, a fair shot as a career woman and a fair shot at the rest of my life. I find euphoria in her smile, I find bliss in watching her play and grow and I find happiness that life has given me such a precious gift to guide. When I need detachment I attach to her and shut the rest of the world out. She is my drug, healing is my drug, my career is my drug. Finding a passion is my drug.
Now, I have no idea what tomorrow will look like and feel like in my body. I may have a sleepless night, a teething child and the weight of the world on my shoulders. Tomorrow might be a hard day, it might be an easier day. My key is to not get too far head of myself because at the end of the day…nobody has a damn clue what’s around the corner. What triggers we might face and what the future holds.. Just remember, to ride the wave.