That seems so easy, I hear, as we practice emotion regulation skills in the safety of my office. As we practice these skills it seems the hopeful hesitancy is bound to come out, “this seems too easy.” Yes, looking at it subjectively, it does seem simple to take deep breaths and release your emotions and thoughts onto the tiny boat. You’ve been in therapy for a few sessions, you like talking with the person across the room and you just spent 45 minutes talking about shit that’s bothering you and the person actively hearing you. Your body is relaxed and comfortable. Your system is working as it should. You ask it to release a thought onto a balloon and watch as it floats away so easily. Any leftover sensations are put into a safe little container and you caulk it up as a win.

This is when we giggle, sometimes laugh hysterically. Then we introduce the bear. Outside this door there is a stressful job, a unstable relationship, children, lack of friend, symptoms that just will not go the fuck away. These things create chronic stressors that activate the amygdala part of your brain. The part of your brain that is so keen on your survival it will react 100% of the time without thinking; fore when you see the bear, you need to run, not explain what is happening and what makes sense to do before the bear gets to you. When the amygdala is activated, your pre-frontal cortex goes offline…and your beautiful balloon goes with it.

Understanding this is fundamental for me. What it says to a therapist is, we cannot introduce mindfulness coping skills when the bear is still in the room. We cannot tell someone to apply for a job if they’re stuck in thoughts of worthlessness and haven’t gotten out of bed for 2 days. To not reach for the glass of wine after work after being badgered by your boss of why you suck as an employee. For dread of having to have a nothing argument with their partner. Or fear of loneliness for lack thereof. We need to sit, in that moment, and be in it. Feel it and be in it to heal it. But how do you sit calmly with a bear?

Does it makes sense why getting back to the basics of self-connection is not as simple as it sounds either.

Why isn’t it simple? Because we don’t know what we don’t know. And people go into “fix it” mode when we see a problem. “How can we fix or reduce your symptoms so I can feel good about myself” the therapists asks. We forget the solutions will not work if we don’t even really know what the problem is.

We don’t know what we don’t know. And it’s not until we know what we didn’t know that it all makes sense.

I’ve been buying the wrong size shoes for 3 years.

After about a year of excruciating toe pain, I began going to multiple doctors, chiropractors and healers convinced there was something internally wrong with me. I mean obviously, no one else’s feet appeared to be on fire after walking through a store or attempting to go for a run. Why wouldn’t it be me. I never questioned my shoes for it happened in tennis shoes, heals, hiking shoes, barefoot shoes, edges. I bought it, they were hurting. No one asked me if any of these shoes actually fit. Why would they? I seemed to know what the fuck I was doing. I was well dressed with fancy shoes and as a 37-year-old slightly successful women, one would think I would know what size shoe I wore. Boy, I am I clearly fantastic at hiding that fact that I have no idea what I’m doing.  

Six days ago…six days ago after another night of painful, burning toes as I hobble across the room my husband says to me, “are you sure you’re shoes are the right size?” To which I respond, “Yes Tyler, I have been a size 7.5 to 8 for 20 years…I think” Mind. Fucking. Blown.

While the doctors, healers and chiropractors may not have fixed my toes. They did do one beautifully amazing thing, they believed me. They sat with me as I cried that I just wanted my body not to hurt. They offered me hope and compassion as I again came in with a new pair of shoes that didn’t work. They celebrated with me when it seemed we had finally found a pair of shoes that worked. It truly felt like they were in it with me. I stayed connected to myself and left the door open for curiosity. So when the needed question was asked, I stayed curious and am now the proud owner of my first size 8.5 shoes with normal toes.

To me, this is mental health healing wrapped up in a story about toes. In the moment, toes on fire, I was unable to think of alternative solutions. The answer was clearly me. My balloon was definitely not floating away. So we stay curious. We stay sitting in the pain, just sitting, no solution or fixing, just listening. Just observing what is happening until the symptoms makes some space to tell us what they need and the ah-ha moment occurs.